As I lay trying to remember how to sleep (duh!) I could feel the adrenaline coursing through my body. I tried for half an hour (enough to get in a complete panic) and then got up. It took three or four of these cycles till Wren woke up around 1am. I got to sleep before 2am. It is so infuriating.
The worst thing is I can't relax and enjoy sleeplessness - all that personal time! Its as if my head is a rock I can't put down for anything. I can barely read a book because of the hammering imperative to SLEEEEEP.
The irony of all this is that I am reading a book called The Places That Scare You by Pema Chodron. The basic premise of the book is that:
when you find yourself caught in extreme discomfort or negativity, the negativity itself is not the problem. If you can have a direct experience of that pain, it will be a great teacher for you. The problem is what Chogyam Trungpa called "negative negativity," or reacting against negativity and trying to escape it.
This total phobia I have about being unable to sleep would be a prime example of her practice but I was so obsessed with my miserable inability to SLEEEEEP that I couldn't even pick up the book to read it!
Argh.
Wren was okay last night but he woke more than usual. Frost was a saint although he has recently become interested in one of my least-favorite kids shows on TV - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I can't find any redeeming features in this one. At least there is an aesthetic pleasure in playing dragons or watching Tibetan influenced Avatars.
Lest this become a dour post I should add its a good day. I am going to shower before Wren wakes from his first nap and a shower alone is a good thing. I have the car today so Frost and Wren and I will probably get out and do something.
In the middle of the insomnia drama last night Josh reminded me that its our 6th Wedding Anniversary next week. All I could think was "its the day after Wren's next appointment - I hope we're not in hospital." If we're not we should do something.
3 comments:
First of all, thanks for your supportive comments. Waiting and not knowing what's next is so hard. And frustrating. And I can totally appreciate your inability to sleep. Been there lots of times. And during those times when I really, really wanted to escape for just a little while and melt into nothingness, I'd take a Benedryl. Or two. Pathetic, but it worked.
I never know what I can take while breastfeeding... I know sudafed dries up milk supply so I don't want to take anything like that. My stalwart is chamomile tea but last night I wanted a sleeping pill or concussion.
It sounds as if you are going through a lot at the moment. I wonder whether it gets easier over time (I couldn't figure out how old Riley is... 4?) or harder. I could see it both ways. Not knowing is quite exhausting.
I too have had periods of sleeplessness due to anxiety. I don't know if you can do this while having to "listen out" for baby Wren, but I listened to books on CD at night with the lights out. I would listen to a story and almost never got to the end of the CD. It fills up ones brain so that the sleepless thoughts have no space. I especially recommend Dickens and Japanese fiction as descriptive enough to set you sleeping....
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