One week today is our next cardiac clinic visit, echo and cardiology appointment. I am starting to worry.
Each month after the appointment I go through the same cycle. For the first week after the appointment I feel completely panicked. I wish there was another echo immediately to reassure me that he is still okay and worry about every flush of color or moment of crying.
During the second week I start to relax and enjoy Wren doing normal things. I have moments of panic but I'm in transition from having a hospital-needing-baby to having a baby who is doing great and is pretty much like any other.
In week three I am having a great time. I feel confident Wren is doing well and happy and we would get good news about his heart if we had an echo that day.
But then comes week 4 and the countdown to the next appointment. Its like a shadow is cast by the impending visit. I feel that the hospital extends its fingers and starts to claim him as a sick baby again. I feel sad. I don't want to go and know anything. Last week was such fun.
Anyway, maybe it will be good news this time and Wren's turbulence and obstruction will be reduced.
Hoping.
2 comments:
Hang in there Shannon! Your feelings are reasonable and valid. The emotional cycle makes total sense while it must be incredibly challenging to live through. You are a fabulous mama doing a great job loving both of your children.
Love,
Tracy
Thanks Tracy
I have been having a really good time as Wren becomes more predictable and happy. Last month I went feeling confident and was so shocked when he needed an immediate cath... this time I am going prepared with anxiety. Perhaps we can trick fate :)
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