One week today is our next cardiac clinic visit, echo and cardiology appointment. I am starting to worry.
Each month after the appointment I go through the same cycle. For the first week after the appointment I feel completely panicked. I wish there was another echo immediately to reassure me that he is still okay and worry about every flush of color or moment of crying.
During the second week I start to relax and enjoy Wren doing normal things. I have moments of panic but I'm in transition from having a hospital-needing-baby to having a baby who is doing great and is pretty much like any other.
In week three I am having a great time. I feel confident Wren is doing well and happy and we would get good news about his heart if we had an echo that day.
But then comes week 4 and the countdown to the next appointment. Its like a shadow is cast by the impending visit. I feel that the hospital extends its fingers and starts to claim him as a sick baby again. I feel sad. I don't want to go and know anything. Last week was such fun.
Anyway, maybe it will be good news this time and Wren's turbulence and obstruction will be reduced.
Hoping.
Hang in there Shannon! Your feelings are reasonable and valid. The emotional cycle makes total sense while it must be incredibly challenging to live through. You are a fabulous mama doing a great job loving both of your children.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Tracy
Thanks Tracy
ReplyDeleteI have been having a really good time as Wren becomes more predictable and happy. Last month I went feeling confident and was so shocked when he needed an immediate cath... this time I am going prepared with anxiety. Perhaps we can trick fate :)