The Smell of Poop in the Morning

At six thirty am I standing in the rain under the plum tree waiting for Beazle to pee.  The crows are hopping around in the black walnut tree and two squirrels dash along the top of the fence from tree to bush.   Beazle walks slowly, lifting and placing his paws carefully on the sodden grass.  He is very low down and his belly scrapes so he comes in from peeing all wet and needs a toweling before I tuck him back into bed with Joshua.

A few minutes before seven, Frost staggers through, wrapped in a blanket, and curls on the couch to read a Foxtrot comic he has read 100 times before.  He has limited inputs so when he's reading he cannot hear me and all my injunctions to "get dressed" "Give me your dirty lunchbox" and "check if your Jogathon claims are due today" fall on deaf ears.

[Mushashis for lunch.  Aside: can I just say, Japanese Seaweed Salad is my most favorite thing and I have to learn to make it.  It has the perfect balance of salt, sesame, spice and green crunch.  I could eat cups of it a day.   I wonder where you buy the fresh seaweed to make it. I wonder what species of seaweed it is?]

Wren wakes up a little later and immediately asks if he has to go to school today and then sits at the kitchen table weeping piteously when I say "yes".  

An hour later things are under control.  Wren is dressed.  Frost has eaten Penny Arcade and read his breakfast.  Wren has checked Zombie Farm and killed a Boss and some big carrots.

I wake Beazle to play with the boys and they bounch around the living room a bit while Wren builds a fort of pillows.  All is well.

"Mom.  Beazle is POOPING!"  yells Frost. 
"I don't want to see it!" says Wren.

I grab Beazle and run to get a bag to pick up the poop.  As I gather the poop and clean the carpet  Frost shouts "Beazle has more poop hanging out of his bottom!"

"Argh!" Yells Wren, passing fast.

I swoop on Beazle with a plastic bag hand to try and catch the poo.  Beazle swings away from me, swinging the poop around.  It appears to be attached by some of my long hairs which is has unfortunately ingested.

"Mum, Wren is THROWING UP IN HIS HAND!" shouts Frost, informatively.

I grab the attached poop and Beazle squeaks as I pull it out.   Wren is crying in the bathroom.   I throw the poop in the bin and run in to find him throwing up on the floor.

"When will it stop?" he asks.  "Is there still poo?"

"No, its gone."

"I smell poo!"  he sobs, throwing up again at the thought of it.

Wren is now needing a change of clothes.  There is vomit all over the toilet.  Frost is shouting out something important about Where Beazle is, what happened or the stats of a Magic card.  I have no idea.  I cannot hear.   I haven't washed my hands yet and we are late for preschool. 

I clean Wren.  I clean the bathroom.  I wipe and spritz the kitchen.  I put on my raincoat and go to work.

Pre-Summer, Pre-Move, Pre-Puppy Sleeping post

Its dark and my bath is run in so I am typing fast.  I have promised my mother I will write this post so that she can read it when she wakes up in Malawi.  I am typing even faster as I realize (6:14am Sunday (CAT) - Time in Malawi) that the sun is already up in Africa and she may well be getting ready for Breakfast.  So I shall post this now and update it .....


To continue.


The house is full of boxes and we are packing.  We are moving house.  The house we are moving to is wonderful and we are very excited.  However, although the actual move is more than a month away, we have a long list of tasks to do to prepare this house for sale.   We have to do all the little maintenance tasks that we delayed as well as some larger ones like replacing the roof.  We are also doing some interior painting.


Josh and I are fighting about paint.  He feels we can leave the living room red.  Our realtor has recommended we paint it taupe.  Taupe is the new black.  I think the argument goes that if people think our house is stylish they will perceive it as more valuable and pay us more money,


We want that.


Josh says he has given up keeping track of money as it seems to go out in chunks of $1,000.


We have locked our interest rate at 4.5% so I am no longer losing sleep over market conditions and can now lose sleep because of the damn dog.


Oh, we do love him but he is still a bad sleeper.  He's fine if he is not interrupted in the night but he seems a bit day-night reversed and so if he is woken in the night he cries and yelps and hits is crate door to be let out.  If you take him out to pee he seldom performs and gets even more excited and wags a lot and jumps up as if 2.45am is breakfast.


It - is - not- breakfast.


Last night he was woken at 2.45am by me chasing a raccoon out of the kitchen.  The raccoon was eating the cat food and I threw a shoe at it.  It left through the cat door but did not leave the deck.  I crouched by the cat door in the dark and when the raccoon came back in (by the way, this cat door has a magnetic latch and is supposed to be raccoon proof but it is not because they are clever buggers and hit it to make it bounce open and then catch the flap with their fingers) I hit it on the head with a Blundstone boot.  Then it ran away.


But Beezle was awake and howled and yelped and whimpered and whined for 30 *expletive* minutes.   I had only one earplug in so I couldn't roll over and I wondered if any noise might excite Beezle to wake further so I lay trapped by the puppy and my earplug arrangement.  In the end Joshua (who had no earplugs) got up and yelled *expletive* dog *expletive* and left the room to sleep on the couch.  I took Beezle to pee (but he did not) and then let him go to sleep by the bed in his kennel with my hand jammed in the door. 


I did not love him so much when he woke at 6am like clockwork, played for 20 minutes and then went back to sleep for 3 hours.


Evil dog.


Cute dog too.  And he is very clever - he already knows sit, his name and to come when you hold out your hand and say "touch".  He is now sitting on a folded blanket at my feet.  Everyone thinks his coloring is remarkable.  Wren says "he is ADORABLE" to everyone we meet.


Moving
We have started packing toys and things.  Also putting things aside for a Garage Sale in mid-June.  We are thinking of moving out of our bedroom and sleeping in Wren's room for a week while we paint our room in its entirety.  Paying $3,000 for house painting does not feel worthwhile while I am being paid less than the painter.  "I will paint!"


I am sure I will have some cussing in a week or so... but that is that plan for now.


Summer Plans
Within a week, Wren will be finished with his first year of regular preschool.  He is going to a summer program a couple of mornings a week so I can continue working.  Frost has another month of school (just under).  Other than a camping trip in late June (just before the move) we have put other summer plans on hold  due to the work and expense of moving.  I am planning on giving Frost a daily homework pack to do which will have fun things to write about (his handwriting needs practice) and math problems to help get long division and multiplication more accurate.   I am also thinking of doing a weekly project with the kids to explore something together.  


Lately, I have found it hard to connect with the kids' interests.  Frost and Wren walk around spouting Magic Card statistics and Frost reads comics and funny Videos on Youtube - clips of funny moments in Halo or Farmville absorb his interest.  


I think that a good dose of mushrooms,  or beaches,  or exploring What is your favorite Dim sim, would be fun and help me remain interested in exploring things with them.  Right now I am all "pigs in the forest" 'ed out.


I have Given Beezle a rawhide bone and he is now content.  Josh is playing a game of soccer on his computer and I am going to read an escapist book in the bath.


There are no pictures because my MacBook is in the Apple Store for repairs.  The hard drive or the drive cable are faulty and things keep breaking and hanging.  I am bereft but hope my computer returns on Monday.


Till then you get me textually. 


Mum - have a great sojourn in Zambia.  May the animals be exhibitionist and the camera always ready.

People Need Sleep

We are fatigued.  The Dog likes to get up at 5.30am.  Seriously UP not just a pee-break.  I have already mopped, done washing, dishes, cleaned kitchen, vacuumed, read the Sunday paper, had breakfast and coffee and its only 9am.

The amazing thing is the Joshua is ALSO up because it was All His Fault that the dog is up and not being forced back to bed in his kennel-crate.  Its his fault because he fell asleep on the couch with The Dog and then The Dog woke him at 5.30am with face licking and Morning love.

Anyway, he is still cute and lovely but he needs to learn to sleep in and go to bed later.  Josh is kind of okay being awake because there is some important soccer stuff (last week of English Premier League and its going to decide who gets sent down into the lower division) going on.

In an hour we are taking Beeze for his first puppy training class.  Josh is going to be the family representative and we are going to watch.

Beezle owns Joshua while watching English Premier League

No Rapture in Seattle

Beezle enjoyed his first visit to the playground today.  He hates his collar but once its off he runs and follows us well.  I took the stroller so he could ride in it on the walk there and back.

On the way we passed a sign outside the house.  The sign read "HAPPY RAPTURE".   If you haven't been keeping up with the news, many people have been anticipating the rapture today (last night) - but nothing catastrophic has happened.

Outside the rapture house there was a pile of clothes - pants, boots, shirts - strewn across the sidewalk.  We laughed and I explained to the kids that it was a joke about all the chosen Christians being taken up to Heaven.

Frost wondered why they would all be naked.

Welcome Beezle (and First Visit to a Vet)

Let me introduce our new dog.  His name is Beezle Budger McSqueeze.  Right now he is sleeping in his crate kennel (door open) with his nose hanging out.  His long fluffy skunk is on the floor next to him but he is unconcerned by the skunk, the noise, the warm wind from the garden.  He is doing his Sleep.

He is very sweet natured and very small.  Because he does not yet have a fully developed immune system we are keeping him at home and with us rather than going out and about with other dogs.  However, today he went to the vet and she said that by the weekend his vaccinations should give him enough protection to go to puppy class.

He will be intrigued to meet other dogs.

For now, he loves lying in the sun, chasing his toys, napping in his kennel and running in the garden.  On the grass he is so low down that his whole belly gets wet in the morning.  He rushes after dandelions which stick out of the grass and attacks them.  He would also attack the hyacinths but we are very careful to chase him off them because many garden plants are toxic.

Here are some pictures of Beezle in his first week with us.

Beezle relaxes in the sunshine

Beezle loves the warm sun and sleeping

Frost holds Beezle who is a bit sleepy

Tara cuddles Beezle

Alex is careful with Beezle

Frost tries to get Beezle interested in a twig

Can I eat the camera?

Alex, Beezle, Frost and Wren

Beezle is not entirely relaxed about his situation in this picture.

The Vet Visit
Beezle was very good on his first Vet visit.  She gave him a dewormer and a vaccine for kennel cough because he will be meeting puppies in the week ahead.   Otherwise, he is fine and doesn't need another vet visit except routine vaccinations in a few weeks.

Zombie Cupcakes

Tomorrow we become dog owners. 

We are driving down to Longview to meet with the dog provider (and Josh's family at the same time.)   We have bought a kennel / crate for the puppy who will be 9 weeks old.  He has a soft fleece pillow, a few dog toys, some chews, some food-toys and a snuggly comfortable animal toy.  I did not buy the one with the heartbeat or the pet cam although I considered both after reading Cesar Milans' "How to Raise the Perfect Dog."

I kid you not, I have been raising the kids with calm-assertive energy since reading the book.  I am clear and firm and ensure I am the Pack Leader.

The house is a mess and I feel we should clean up, and of course I have to watch Criminal Minds, but I couldn't resist asking whether I showed you the Zombie Cupcakes.  Did I?

Can't remember.

In case I didn't, a few weeks ago I baked Zombie Cupcakes for Josh's birthday.  Did I mention he had a birthday?  He turned 35 but we didn't do anything awfully special, even though it was a half-decade birthday, because Josh prefers to make significant birth-year events out of primes and squares and other numerical oddities (like his 2000th week would be good).  Still, I made zombie cupcakes in honor of all the zombie fervor out there in popular culture (and on our ipad) this year.

And we ate them.

They were from Zombie Cupcakes by Zilly Rosen and I bought frosting supplies from Home Cake Decorating Supply on Roosevelt.

The bloody bitten ones had meringue icing.  It was very buttery and
I found it too fatty and not sweet enough.  Tara loved it so it must be
a matter of taste (cream vs sugar!)

The Zombie hands are made from "half-and-half"white fondant and gum
paste.  They were very easy to make.  They are covered in
crumbled oreo cookies for muddy earth and the white dots are maggots!

After a while I started to innovate and made this chunk of teeth and gum
from my own design.  I ate it but it wasn't tasty.  The cupcakes were red velvet
and more delicious than the topping (IMHO)

And then I took it all a bit far and start to make bento dioramas of blood
and maggots and demon-eyed rats and Wren looked, like, worried.

Because everyone is into Magic the Gathering, we made a birthday
card for Josh from a favorite card and called it "Josh, the Mind Sculptor"
(Its real name is JACE the Mind Sculptor as any MtG player knows)

Anyway, we did the candle thing and all was well.  Wren ate two zombie cupcakes.  I used some fancy real beeswax candles from PCC and we sang.  My next desert event is going to be jelly. 

But that's another post.

If you love Jelly.  Let me know so I put you on the evite.

How to Boil an Egg for Your Mother

Today we started a new Mothers' Day Tradition.  I get up and lie on the couch wrapped in a gypsy pile of blankets and Frost makes me coffee and breakfast. 

Well kind of.

Actually, this year in the first year of the tradition it went like this:

I get up and lie on the couch wrapped in a gypsy pile of blankets and I shout out instructions to tell Frost how to make me coffee and breakfast.

"Mum, bubbles are coming off the egg.  Is that normal?" he calls in a worried voice.

I tell him that is normal.

"Okay, just checking because I am still figuring things out."

Note, most of the dialogue is shouted between rooms.

A few moments later I hear:  "How do you get the egg out of the water?"

I flounder on this one.  Its all so automatic.  "Ah, use tongs."

"I think you hid the egg tongs because Wren and I were fighting with them."

"No, there are other tongs."

There are some ominous thuddings and mutterings and drawer noises.   Then:

"I can't hold an egg with tongs."

"Well, use a spoon then.  Oh, and Wren wants an egg too so use a spoon to put Wren's in the hot water and boil for 5 minutes not 10."

"But, YOUR egg is in the spoon."

"Well, use a-n-o-t-h-e-r spoon."

BEEP  BEEP  BEEP.  The egg is ready.

"Mum, now I have made toast.  What do you want on it?  Do you want a knife and a fork or just a fork?"
 
"I would like a plate, with toast on it.  An egg in an egg cup.  A teaspoon.  Some salt and a fork."

I hear him talking to himself in the kitchen as he arranges the plate.

"Mum, I accidentally poured too much salt?"

"Poured the salt where?"   He walks in with my Mothers' Day Breakfast.

"I poured it in a pile on the plate."

There is a large pile of salt on the plate.  About a tablespoon. 

"This is fabulous but I realize I do need a knife to open it."

"But you said you didn't need a knife."

"Well, I usually do it in the kitchen first."

Frost rushes to get a knife.

"How do you you cut an egg?"  asks Wren.

Frost returns with the knife.

"I will show you, you tap it  like this."  I slice open the egg.

Both boys are awed that I hit it with a knife.  There is something fierce and appealing about it, I guess.

Wren tries to eat my egg.  I fight him off, telling him its Mothers' Day so I don't have to share my food.

What is mothers day?  Asks Wren as Frost rushes back to the kitchen for Wren's egg.

"It means being nice to Mum." shouts Frost from the kitchen door.  I am extremely gratified at the way Frost is acting a bit flustered and frantic with all this food service.  Its exactly how I feel most meal-times.

Wren frowns and looks wounded and ferocious.  "It means no being mad at me and no shouting at me and no saying bad words to me and that's about Wren so don't say that to Wren.  That is what Mother's Day is."

I tell him that sounds good.

Frost returns with an egg and a fork for Wren.  I point out that there is no plate.

"Oh, oh. He likes a plate like Mum?"

"Well, you need a plate to eat off.  Otherwise the egg will go all over the couch."

Frost returns with a a plate.  The boys try to open the egg.  

FAIL.

I provide a HINT and Frost succeeds, eventually.

The boys try to open an egg.

(I may not be smarter than a 4th grader but I have secret Ninja egg-opening skills.)

I point out we have no teaspoons.

"I brought a teaspoon!"  Frost gives me a set of measuring spoons and shows me the ONE TEASPOON one.

"I brought a teaspoon!"

"I can't eat off that!"  I point out, concerned about his thinking processes.

"OOOOOH.  I thought you wanted it to measure salt.  I thought... well, I thought you scoop egg with a fork."

You can't be too hard on him with is confusion.  This child does not eat egg.  He runs off and gets teaspoons and I tell him how these spoons are called Egg Spoons in our cutlery set because English people love to eat boiled eggs and these spoons are specially for it.

I eat egg and the boys run off to swing on the hammock, newly reinstalled since the rope broke. 

Mother's Day breakfast went very well, considering.  There were no scalds, my egg was done perfectly and I am still on the couch in my odd assortment of warming devices reading a book with #1 NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLING AUTHOR on it.

I am glad I am teaching Frost these skills now.  He will be an expert next year.

Tomorrow, my mother is heading off on another grand African trip to Zambia, Malawi, Botswana and South Africa.  I must remember to call her later and wish her a happy boiled egg in bed.

[THIS BLOG WAS WRITTEN AND POSTED WITHOUT LEAVING THE COUCH]

Mothers' Day on the Couch [with egg, laptop and book]

Karn, the Released and other obsessions of an almost-10 year old.

Like his parents, Frost is happiest when he has an obsession.  His current obsession is Magic the Gathering and in particular, the imminent launch of the new MtG set - "New Phyrexia."

Here is my interview with Frost about MtG.

Me:   Frost, what do you like about MtG?

Frost:  I don't know.... its kind of a fun game not just playing the game but kind of opening the pack, getting to know new mechanics, going to tournaments and waiting to see what cards come out.  Also, its got a nice communtiy.

Me:  What do you mean by a "nice community?"

Frost:  Well, a lot of people play it and you can kind of talk to other people about it.  Lots of people go to events and you can get to know people while you're playing it and its kind of fun.

Me:  How much do you think about MtG during a normal day at school?

Frost:  I think about it occasionally.  Some people at school play it and so we play it.  I also think about New Phyrexia a lot now, I am waiting for the launch party.   New Phyrexia is a new magic set with 175 new cards and we are planning to buy a Booster Box.  Its 36 booster packs.

Me:  Wren, what do you like about MtG?

Wren:  There are some Hydra's I like and Hedron crabs are pretty good.

Me:  Frost, what kind of deck are you going to play with the New Phyrexia set?

Frost:  I am thinking of making a deck with this one card called Rage Extractor and maybe an equipment deck.   I am keeping my infect deck.

Me:  What is Rage Extractor?

Frost:  It does damage equal to the casting cost of something if that something/card has any Phyrexian mana, a new kind of mana, in its cost.  So its a pretty good card and I would make a deck with that and lots of Phyrexian mana.

Me:  Wren, what is your favorite deck?

Wren:  My favorite deck is an-fect deck.  I played my Fect Deck against Daddy and I beat his Karate.

Me:  Frost, do kids in your 4th Grade class play magic?

Frost: I think about 3 of them in my class?

Me:  My criticism of this MtG craze is that its a bit like gambling.  All you want to do is get the thrill of opening sealed boosters to see if you get something very rare and valuable.

Frost:  Well, Mum.  That is only the case when you are opening boosters.  If you buy a deck of cards individually that's not gambling.  And even if I open boosters, if I get a mythic rare card I am happy and if I don't I am still happy because I mean, the cards will probably be good.  If they are not good, I can see the value, and I can still trade it with someone else.  So, its still fun to get it!

Karn, Liberated (according to Frost)

Me:  In the New Phyrexia, what cards would you be most excited about pulling from a booster?

Frost:  Karn.  Batterskull and ... oh god... actually..... Sword of War and Peace.  I also sort of want... Joradeen the Prevailer and Melira, Sylvok  Outcast (he spelled these for me).

New Puppy Pictures

Due to Mother's Day and the Puppy being a bit slow to wean, we will probably have to wait 2 weeks to fetch the puppy and bring him home.  We are talking about the 14th as the probable date.

Here are some new pictures.

Wren draws hydras

Wren loves drawing but as with any artist, he likes to work thematically.  The subject of the moment is hydras.

I am now going to interview the artist about his work.

Me:  Wren, why are you interested in Hydras?

Wren:  Because there is different kinds of hydras.  Female ones that are boys and others that I don't know their names.

Me:  But why do you like them?

Wren:  Because if you kill all the necks off then it suddenly goes under the ground and all of it grows back again.

Me:  Where did you first see a hydra?

Wren:  In two Magic cards.

Me: What is magic?

Wren:  Magic is cards and they cost mana to play.

Me:  What did you like about that hydra on the cards.
Wren:  Hydras are pretty cool and one hydra is a 0/0 and you need to spend more mana to make him big.

The Artist has been influenced by hydras in Magic the Gathering

Me:  Now, Wren can you tell about the hydra you are working on now.

Wren:  It is a girl hydra and it fights boy hydras and other evil things like the tyranna sor rexes.

Wren with the girl hydra

Me:  Why is this one purple.

Wren: Because that is girl hydras the color they are.

Me:  Can you tell me about this hydra [BELOW]?
 
Wren:  This is the one with the rarest hydras in the world.  They are GOOD/BAD they kill good hydras and bad hydras.  And its a RAINbow hydra.  Its pink and green and orange and yellow so that is the rarest kind of hydra in the world.

Rainbow hydra

Me:  Are hydras real?

Wren:  Yes, they just grow everywhere in the creepy times.

Me:  What are the creepy times?

Wren:  When the clouds go low, the sky goes green, the sun goes dark black and the grass goes blue!

Me: And that is when the Hydras are born.

Wren:  They grow in tiny things first and they don't kill anything first but then they grow huge and if they grow into this guy they grow into good or into that guy they grow into good and bad.

"Squid in the ocean" aka "Squid in the sea Hydra"

Me: Can you tell me about this older work, titled "squid in the ocean."  Was an this an early hydra?

 Wren:  That hydra waked up in the night so they can like steal stuff.   Its a hydra.  A weird kind of hydra.  It has lots of slippery arms and its head is like this (straight and like a little curve like this).

Me:  What do hydras eat?

Wren:  Hydras... well, there are different things that you never heard of hydras eat.  They eat little ants and things but bad hydras eat little chickadees - but don't write that because Leo (age 4) won't like that.  Bit scary.

The Scared-cat hydra just plays dead

Me:  We have another here.  Can you tell me about it.

Wren: This is one of the weirdest kinds of hydras.  Its one of the most frightest hydra.  When it sees someone coming it just plays dead.  Its frightened for everyone.

Me:  Its a scaredy-cat hydra?

Wren:  Its a good hydra.  But if it sees a BAD hydra it FIGHTS but if it sees anything else it just plays dead.  That other one is the same hydra as this, but playing dead.

Scaredy-cat from another angle, playing dead.

Me: What are all these things on it?

Wren:  Its the rarest one and it has sticky things to stick on things and climb up trees.  In the middle is his like his... treasure chest thing where he puts the treasure in.  The treasure chest with gems and rubies and jewels in.

Wren:  Come, come ... we must play a hydra game.  "Hydra in the scary cave" and I am the hydra!  BOO!