As I lay trying to remember how to sleep (duh!) I could feel the adrenaline coursing through my body. I tried for half an hour (enough to get in a complete panic) and then got up. It took three or four of these cycles till Wren woke up around 1am. I got to sleep before 2am. It is so infuriating.
The worst thing is I can't relax and enjoy sleeplessness - all that personal time! Its as if my head is a rock I can't put down for anything. I can barely read a book because of the hammering imperative to SLEEEEEP.
The irony of all this is that I am reading a book called The Places That Scare You by Pema Chodron. The basic premise of the book is that:
when you find yourself caught in extreme discomfort or negativity, the negativity itself is not the problem. If you can have a direct experience of that pain, it will be a great teacher for you. The problem is what Chogyam Trungpa called "negative negativity," or reacting against negativity and trying to escape it.
This total phobia I have about being unable to sleep would be a prime example of her practice but I was so obsessed with my miserable inability to SLEEEEEP that I couldn't even pick up the book to read it!
Argh.
Wren was okay last night but he woke more than usual. Frost was a saint although he has recently become interested in one of my least-favorite kids shows on TV - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I can't find any redeeming features in this one. At least there is an aesthetic pleasure in playing dragons or watching Tibetan influenced Avatars.
Lest this become a dour post I should add its a good day. I am going to shower before Wren wakes from his first nap and a shower alone is a good thing. I have the car today so Frost and Wren and I will probably get out and do something.
In the middle of the insomnia drama last night Josh reminded me that its our 6th Wedding Anniversary next week. All I could think was "its the day after Wren's next appointment - I hope we're not in hospital." If we're not we should do something.
First of all, thanks for your supportive comments. Waiting and not knowing what's next is so hard. And frustrating. And I can totally appreciate your inability to sleep. Been there lots of times. And during those times when I really, really wanted to escape for just a little while and melt into nothingness, I'd take a Benedryl. Or two. Pathetic, but it worked.
ReplyDeleteI never know what I can take while breastfeeding... I know sudafed dries up milk supply so I don't want to take anything like that. My stalwart is chamomile tea but last night I wanted a sleeping pill or concussion.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds as if you are going through a lot at the moment. I wonder whether it gets easier over time (I couldn't figure out how old Riley is... 4?) or harder. I could see it both ways. Not knowing is quite exhausting.
I too have had periods of sleeplessness due to anxiety. I don't know if you can do this while having to "listen out" for baby Wren, but I listened to books on CD at night with the lights out. I would listen to a story and almost never got to the end of the CD. It fills up ones brain so that the sleepless thoughts have no space. I especially recommend Dickens and Japanese fiction as descriptive enough to set you sleeping....
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